Talking about hard things is hard.

I like to keep people updated with my life, and it's easy to do it through a blog. But if you know me well, then you know that I am a private person who keeps her cards close to her hand. The benefit of this is that my business is my business. The downside is that when I am really struggling with something, I don't reach out, I just deal.

Some of you may know, or not know, I've been struggling with long-term unemployment. This is a situation Shott and I both planned for so it's not a surprise. Finding a job these days is difficult enough without being an immigrant. I have the added bonus of working in an industry that basically requires you to volunteer for 6 months before finding a position- there are many industry funding related reasons for this. Volunteering is important, it's just unfortunate that graduates have to volunteer for so long in order to gain some relevant experience. 

 This is about to get heavy so, uh, here's a picture of my sister embarrassing me

But honestly, that's not the hard part. Spending my time on something that matters doesn't feel draining. It can be frustrating, but it's mostly rewarding. No, what makes being out of work for so long is the time. You spend so much time just hoping for something to come up. At first you're fine, it's all part of the process, no one gets a job quickly. So you start to look with lots of enthusiasm, no big deal. But time will eat away at you, two months turns into six months then suddenly it's been a year. Statistically, the longer you are unemployed, the less likely you will find work. So now you've got that knowledge in the back of your head, and every day becomes more difficult. It's hard to get dressed in the morning, to clean, to exercise, to be motivated at all. And then people who care are being caring but asking the all too dreaded question of "Have you found work yet?" or "How's that job search going?" or my personal favorite, "I hope she sorts herself soon." Don't get me wrong, thank you for caring about me! It's just no one likes being a disappointment, and with my future so up in the air, well, it's hard to answer those questions and not completely break down, because I am trying, I'm trying so hard. Some weeks I would get out 5 applications a day, and others where I would be lucky to get 1 out for the whole week. You slowly feel yourself dying from the inside out. It's not fun, knowing that you don't want to be like this, but also knowing that there is nothing you can do, because all your application feedback is just you are a good candidate, and you did everything right, there were just people who were better.

So now what? What do you do? All the wind is out of your sails and your hoping this shovel you found below deck will serve as a paddle. I wish I had good news, that I got help and everything was awesome, but the truth is I just plodded along and hoped for the best for a long time, too long really. 

If you've read this far, you're looking for a bright side, aren't you? If what goes up must come down, then surely what goes down must come up, right? Well, you're in luck. I'm employed! I just finished my first week as a conservation administrator for a conservation charity in Scotland. I'm so happy to be paid to be a part of something that matters!

So everything worked out! Right? Well, yes and no. Life is going up and I'm loving the work life, but I need to acknowledge my mistake in not being more open to those closest to me. I spend so much time trying to make sure everyone is happy, that I often forget to take care of myself and show a bit of vulnerability. There's nothing wrong with asking for help, something that I tell people often! What I know now is that I need to learn to take my own advice, and admit my own struggles. So, this is me trying to do that. And don't worry, my future blogs won't be all sad and depression, really I do try to be optimistic, but hot damn it has been a long year and a half!

Yay! You made it to the end! Your reward is this beautiful orchid! ^_^